Guy Fieri and Tyler Florence: Long lost siblings from birth

Oh, where to begin…

I have watched food network shows for a very long time, I believe the show that really got me into the channel was the original Iron Chef series, which has now been revamped and turned into Iron Chef America(Which is not quite as good IMHO). I’m just gonna say what alot of people are thinking and blow the lid off this elephant in the room. What the hell is wrong with these two so-called chefs?

Let’s start with Guy Fieri, the gayish looking dude with the blond spiky hair. His show Diners, Drive-ins and Dives is the actual dive, in which he travels around the country gorging himself on every greasy, typically fried, substance he can find, all while food network foots the bill. It must have been a bad day at the office… like really bad, when the people in charge of putting the new line-up for the season decided to actually put this show on the air. No offense to the probably very hard-working, dedicated food service people who he interviews on a weekly basis, but the show doesn’t really do any of them credit anyways.

If that was just the one thing that Guy was remembered for, I wouldn’t really be raising a fuss. Sure it’s bad, but whatever, it’s not on me. Someone else has to look like a complete idiot for that decision.

No, there’s more.

Somehow the spiky blond short, somewhat chunky dude wrangled himself a chance to do a television ad, and although his culinary prowess is always in question when his idea of good food is a mint mud pie covered in “crushed oreos” (some random episode of Dinner Impossible), it certainly has been kicked and tossed into an early grave when he got into bed with the gigantic restaurant conglomerate, TGIF.

For those of you who don’t watch the travel channel, a certain show host of the No Reservations series, not naming names, calls TGIF quote: T-G-I-McFunsters. Not only is the food there a horrid mockery of the different culinary cultures that they claim to represent, but from time to time they add something “new and exciting” to their menu. This year I believe it was some sort of Jack Daniels championship menu, on which TGIF and Guy decided to go rip off the winners in a JD BBQ contest and toss their winning entrys onto their menu. What people probably are missing or have forgotten is that TGIF has had Jack Daniels style items on their menu for quite some time now, certainly way before this “new and exciting” menu was added. Not that I have anything at all against the JD people, It’s just the restaurant and blondie’s credibility that really enrages me.

This brings us to our other unwanted not so red-headed step child of the culinary industry. Tyler Florence. He kind of reminds me of Bobby Flay, except that he is alot heavier, not quite as talented, and I typically only see him on TV during holidays, making his bid for cooking credibility. Somehow every year, he hooks up with some of the other network chefs and by leeching off of their hard-earned respect and skill, he fools the good people at home into thinking, hey, I think he’s a good cook too.

He is NOT. That is my claim and my opinion. He is about as good a cook as the spanish guy at my restaurant who cannot understand the different cooking times of frying shrimp and frying yams.

His slutty companion of a restaurant chain is the TGIF knockoff, Applebees, making him even lower on the food chain than blondie. This mind-boggling reject of Americana is IMO only good as a place to drink cheap beers and mixed drinks when the other good bars are too crowded on football Sunday. For some odd reason, they have some type of rib tips item on their happy hour appetizer menu, I would bet anyone who is reading this that they are probably just sliced bones smashed into the middle of questionable processed meat. This place is so terrible that they cannot even do spinach dip right! Their menu, which consists of anything you can think of from TGIF but simplified, could easily be served as a replacement for high school cafeteria food and very few kids would notice.

Yet, as bad as that sounds, the tip of this festering waste poking above the toilet bowl water is that Tyler Florence, you know, that guy from such regular food network shows as NOTHING, endorses them with his chubby smile 100%.

Fake-panko breaded panko shrimp(panko is supposed to be japanese bread crumbs)? Check. Cheesy mind-numbing americana and festive buttons? Double check. Recipes fit for zombies living in America who don’t want anything exciting to disturb their eternal undead slumber? If the answer to this is yes, and it is, you’ve got yourself an unholy trifecta, where budding middle-aged chefs go to throw away any shreds of credibility and dignity left.

Congratulations on street-walking and bedding yourselves to the highest bidder. Tyler and Guy, come down and receive your presents. For not really having any culinary skill, and somehow sneaking your way both onto television and into commercials, a DNA test that confirms that you both are actually children birthed from the same set of corrupted loins. Also, for dragging down the credibility of the food network by basically accepting bribes from horrible conglomerate restaurants, please accept these shiny new .357 magnum handguns, complete with bullets. These will come in handy when the suicidal thoughts begin to claim you.

When your children are old enough to understand how your whole life, you chose to stand for nothing, chose greed over principles and respect, you will finally understand what to do with these guns.

Thank you, for helping to remind us, the regular people who cook and work with cooks for a living, what we should do the exact opposite of.


(PS: You still have time left. You can change! Maybe!)