Some of my All-Time Best NFL players…

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Potential players that most certainly should make the ALL-CENTURY List…  I would suggest the following:

1. Lynn Swann WR, Steelers
2. Terry Bradshaw QB, Steelers
3. Ray Lewis LB, Ravens
4. Orlando Pace OL, inventor of the “pancake-block,” Rams
5. Lawrence Taylor(!) DE, Giants
6. Deion Sanders CB, 49ers+Cowboys+Falcons+Ravens
7. Randy Moss WR, Vikings+Patriots
8. Darrell Green CB, Redskins
9. Gale Sayers RB, Bears
10. Barry Sanders RB, Lions
11. Reggie White DE, Eagles+Packers
12. Peyton Manning QB, Colts

There are numerous other people that probably could or should have been listed who I have either forgotten or just didn’t have the time or space to put on this list. The people that HAVE been listed so far are, for the most part, NFL players who have changed the game of football at their position by being so infinitely superior to their comrades of the day that the rules had to be changed to make the game fair once more.

Swann makes the list for changing being a receiver into an art form.. Bradshaw for calling his own plays and creating his own audibles in an era when the head coach or offensive coordinator called the plays. Ray Lewis is in for being underestimated from the very beginning of his career and becoming an annual fixture on the All-Pro and Pro-Bowl lists.. as well as destroying and tackling anyone who opposed him. Orlando Pace makes this one for leaving college early, not for the money or the prestige but for pure competitive spirit.. he had noone left to compete with at the collegiate level, even leaving Florida State-star Simeon Rice in the dust.

Lawrence Taylor will always be on my list of all time greats for this simple truth: He single-handedly jumped the price-tag of defensive ends and therefore left tackles tenfold. It doesn’t hurt that he will forever be known as the monster who destroyed Hall of Fame QB Joe Theismann’s career. Deion Sanders was known on and off the field for his larger then life antics, highlights and mouth. He talked a good game but also played one as well, and was one of the first complete shut-down corners who was versatile enough to even contribute in the passing and special teams game.

Randy Moss makes this list for being not only an incredibly tall receiver who can jump as well, but also for routinely beating double and even triple-teams. Any team that has him on the field, regardless of the QB, is instantly better offensively. He also has some of the softest hands in NFL history. Darrell Green is very similar to Deion Sanders in that he was also a shut-down corner.. only Darrell is even faster and played in an era where defensive backs like him did not exist. He was SO good that teams often would blank out the side of the field that he was on, telling their team not to pass even in the general direction of wherever Green was.

This comment is running a little long so I’ll keep the rest of it short and sweet, with no disrespect intended to the following players.

Gale Sayers, if not for a few career-changing injuries, was among the fastest and shiftiest RBs to ever live. The fact that he’s in the Hall of Fame and only played 4 years speaks volumes about his game-changing ability. Barry Sanders was such an incredible RB that he helped the Lions get to the playoffs and made the Hall of Fame despite playing on some of the most awful teams in NFL history. His ability to turn a 3-yard loss into a 30-yard game was without equal. The Rev, Reggie White dominated QBs and struck fear in offensive coordinator’s minds and game plans by sacking and tackling people for a loss with impunity. He WAS the Packer defense.

Finally, a player who is still currently playing and is about to play in his second Super Bowl in 4 years.. Peyton Manning of the Indianapolis Colts deserves a stake in the All-Time Greatest Players for being a complete QB. When I say that, I mean that he is every head coaches wet dream/fantasy; He does everything he’s supposed too and more, he says only the most appropriate things to the press and on TV, his idea of a night out is watching game film into the wee hours of the night. Oh, by the way, this is in addition to him having the height and the physical attributes of the prototypical QB.. a specimen with perfect mechanics and the intelligence to call his own plays/audibles, kind of like Terry Bradshaw a generation ago. For all these reasons, my hatred for the Colts withstanding, Peyton will in my opinion go down in NFL history as one of the best QBs of all time.

-Michael, Wong_83@hotmail.com (Sorry I rambled so long… I just get really passionate about some of these players who are sometimes snubbed by other fans, analysts and media insiders.)

Bleh, Updates, Updates.

So basically, I been busy busy busy…as a Bee. Yeah, I know it’s a little cliche but really thats exactly how I feel. I been working 60+ hours a week at the restaurant and moving to a new house… ALL at the same time. Do you know how much stuff I have accumulated over the past decade? Let me give you just a short list of examples.

Dishes, Electronics, Appliances, Men’s Clothing, Women’s Clothing, Books, Jewelry, Couches, Tables, Chairs, Mattresses, Heavy Winter Jackets, Space Heaters, Laptops, A Desktop, Various Bags Full of Assorted Nick-Knacks, CDs, Gaming Systems, etc., etc., etc.

This is above and beyond cleaning up an entire 4 bedroom, 3 level townhouse, sweeping, vacuuming, painting, scrubbing, blah blah blah. Well… only if I want any part of my gigantic security deposit back.

The biggest issues are 1. Cleaning the basement floor, which happens to be covered in ashes, candle wax, burns, ink marks and other assorted food and canine related stains. 2. That stinkin’ MOTHERFUCKIN’ heavy and bulky, unyielding piece of SHIT. I totally had no idea what I was in for when I bought this. It was all shriveled up and relatively light when it was rolled up… But now as I attempt to drag this behemoth out of the house, up the stairs and through the front door, [The fact that it snowed this weekend didn't help AT ALL] It just wasn’t happening.

Me and Lily finally came to the conclusion that it’s gonna take at least one or more people, in addition to the two of us, specifically strong and able-bodied people to brute force this monstrosity into or on top of either a pick-up truck OR a full sized white van… with blacked out windows. [AKA: a police jump out van]

SO, in a nutshell, this is what I have been up too recently. Moving, working, purchasing presents, getting ready for the holidays, eating copious amounts of rich decadent food… oh, and not keeping up with any of my online accounts: Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, WordPress, BleacherReport or anything else that would pretty much connect me to the online outside world.

My Car Accident…

How can I make this story short…

I was taking out the trash, early Tues. morning when out of nowhere my roomates started arguing. I chased them to the car and begged them not to leave. They said GET OUT OF THE WAY. I said WHY, U GONNA HIT ME?

They gunned their engines and I started to move out the way. They hit me directly in the leg anyways. I screamingly asked them to stop and help me. They didn’t. They hit and ran away from the scene.

My leg is now destroyed and I am on a lot of medications because of it. They WILL be involved in a major lawsuit.

Now I don’t know if I will ever walk correctly again. I hope the Nissan that hit me and its passengers get their just desserts.

There, now everyone knows what happened to me.

Don’ t feel sorry for me…please.

-Mikey, Wong_83@hotmail.com

Federick vs Roddick: Instant ESPN classic

The score is now Roddick 11, Federer 11. IN THE FINAL SET!

You have got to be kidding me.

This is the longest fifth set in Wimbledon history. Every single game has been played close, with both players having won two sets. To my friend and favorite tennis player, my hat goes off to you.

Even if you don’t bring home the trophy at Centre Court, this performance will only solidify my never-wavering faith in you.

Luck and fate are on your side. I’ll even make a surprising prediction:

What it comes down to is a classic battle of attrition. As soon as Roddick breaks it open by breaking

As long as he can break ONE of Federer’s serve points, Andy Roddick will take home the Venus trophy.

-Mikey, Wong_83@hotmail.com

PS: One break is all it will take for Roddick to go home with the title.

Farewell to Baltimore’s favorite son, Ray Lewis.

“Goodbye, dear king of men.

Farewell, oh, favorite son of Baltimore. We will miss you in the days to come and hopefully when your journey is complete, you will find the meandering path back to the Garden of Eden from which your NFL career sprung.

I for one will not be the same as I gaze upon the familar purple and black of M&T Bank Stadium, the familiar numbers 5 and 2 reflecting brilliantly in the afternoon sunlight nevermore. The proud stance with which the Ravens’ defense carries itself, knowing that it’s stallwart captain is near, forgotten and lost to Father Time.

One day soon, too soon it seems, a man who seems to be made of the same material as legends or myths will disappear into the comfortable and well-deserved archway of retirement. Knowing that our time together runs short, the grains of sand forever climbing walls of glass, brings chills and shivers from out of the blue.

In our many vivid memories is where we Ravens’ faithful will find solace in times of need, remembrance of places and plays long past climb ever closer to the surface of the mind. Hopefully reciprocation will be felt on the end of the purple titan, aching mentally for the sound and touch of those who gazed upon him with wonder and admiration.”

——————-

If you didn’t really understand that, the point of this semi-poem was to show the world exactly how collective Ravens’ fans, including and especially me, feel about losing our Pro-Bowl/All-Pro Linebacker.

We know that time is slipping away from us and we also know the best player on our team since it’s rebirth will NEVER be cut. He will retire on his own terms, of this I am 100% sure.

When the day comes for us to be apart, I will continue to go to the Blue Moon BBQ…Ray-Ray’s famous BBQ restaurant. I will never forget him, even when I am 90 years old, hard of hearing and wheeling around with a colonoscopy bag hanging from the back.

-Mikey, Wong_83@hotmail.com

Andy Roddick is BACK in the ’09 Wimbledon Finals

Do you have any idea how long I have been waiting for Andy Roddick to make it to the Wimbledon Finals?

Do you have any idea how many times he has disappointed me? Probably not I suppose but just try to look at it from my point of view…

My infatuation with Andy Roddick began back in my high-school days, way back when Brontosaurus and Tyrannosaurus-Rex were roaming the Earth. I had been playing tennis, both for pleasure and in competition, since the 3rd grade. I guess it has at least a little to do with the fact that I was born Asian, we just happen to love the game of tennis.

At least in America we do.

For some reason, just like Soccer, Cricket and Rugby, Tennis is a sport that’s a huge deal for just about every other country besides the United States. The Russians absolutely SWEAR by tennis, especially their women, which can be seen in such famous players as Martina Navratilova, Anna Kournikova and  Maria Sharapova. I only mentioned the latter two because they are smoking hot and their influence extends beyond just the sport they play. As for Martina, well, she’s just one of the best women to have ever played the game, hand’s down.

The majority of Asia, Europe and even the Middle East/Africa play tennis at a high level as well, tennis games are a big deal throughout the year in these countries, rather then just when the grand-slam tournaments are on.

In America, sure there are a lot of players, especially in high-school or at rich, uppity country clubs, but for the most part America has not consistently ranked very high at the professional level…with only a few exceptions. The major difference is that when you look at the top 25 players in the world, both men and women, over the past couple decades it seems to have been primarily comprised of Russian and Eastern European names.

So basically, since a very young age, I had very few American role-models to look up too in terms of Tennis.I can basically count all of them on one hand and I’m talking both sexes combined.

The Williams sisters, who I believe are monstrous, brutal and perhaps the perfect specimens from which elite tennis playing females should be cloned. Have you seen their sheer muscle definition or the power in their serves? This duo of destruction has rampaged through the professional tennis-scene for over a decade now.

John McEnroe, who probably wouldn’t be a role-model for most other people but because of my own short fuse and natural god-given talent for tennis, was the first professional tennis player I ever heard of. He’s also one of the most evil people on the planet in my opinion and as far as I’m concerned, a great man.

Andre Agassi, with or without hair, had the most will-power and heart I have ever seen in tennis, at any playing level. He won sets and tournaments that he probably had no right to win, against players in their prime much younger and stronger then him. Throughout the ’90s and even past the turn of the century, Agassi proved that wisdom and heart will always be a match for strength and speed. Oh yeah, he was also married to one of the most beautiful white women I have ever seen…Brooke Shields.

Well, when she was younger at least. Now she had all that plastic surgery and her head is bigger and her features all blunt and blocky…Blechkkk.

Pete Sampras, classic and distinguished throughout his career, he foiled my other favorite player, Andre Agassi, on numerous occasions. Until Roger Federer, the Swiss tennis player currently ranked number one, overtakes him, Sampras is the holder of the record for most majors won in men’s singles with 14. It’s only coincidental that this article is being written at the same time that Federer is attempting to win his 15th major…Against Andy Roddick.

Fnally there’s Andy Roddick. Lean, muscular, American as can be and the owner of the most powerful first serve ever to be clocked in Tennis, at around 155mph. He’s not quite as old as my other favorite American players, nor has he won as many tournaments. He’s currently ranked number six on the ATP list and is the highest ranked American player(yay!). In the past, he has been ranked number one in the world.

The reasons I have always rooted for the sometimes-underdog are pretty simple. He plays fast, aggressive and has a punishing serve. He was born and raised in the heartland of America (Omaha, Nebraska) so basically he bleeds red, white and blue. He is known as the “other A-Rod” and unlike a lot of other pro athletes, he doesn’t splurge and go out to bars and clubs excessively. Also, he’s married to the pretty ridiculous Sports Illustrated model, Brooklyn Decker.

Even though he has made it to 27 career finals matches, he is still often considered an underdog for one unfair and obvious reason: He has a career head-to-head record of 2-18 when facing Roger Federer. Now personally, I don’t think that’s so bad in and of itself. Federer is not a typical professional Tennis player. He is pretty much a lock to make it into the Tennis Hall of Fame and arguably THE BEST MALE TENNIS PLAYER OF ALL TIME. For Roddick to have even been ranked in the top 3, during a time-period that includes both Raphael Nadal AND Federer is remarkable.

Luckily, this year’s edition of Wimbledon did not feature Nadal- the Spanish defending champion made a surprising withdraw due to a case of tendonitis in his knee-leaving the playing field at the All England Club a little easier then it typically would have been. Early this morning, #2 Roger Federer defeated #24 Tommy Haas and #6 Andy Roddick defeated #3  Andy Murray in the semifinals.

So I guess what it comes down to is the Twenty First showdown between Roddick and Federer that is set to take place over the next couple days. This is the third time they will battle in the finals on the lush grass of Centre Court. Andy is better coached, better versed, stronger and more versatile than he has been in years…hopefully that and a good bit of luck will help swing things his way this time. Federer will always remain a dangerous opponent but this time I believe, I must believe, that Roddick has the confidence and stamina necessary to keep the sets close, jump the net and neutralize and respond to Federer’s potent offense.

-Mikey, Wong_83@hotmail.com

RIP The Late, Great Billy Mays…and Others!

11:47AM: Can’t believe Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon and BILLY MAYS all died so suddenly! What is going on, is something in the water or what?! I mean this is just ridiculous. I know it could just be coincidence…but I don’t really believe in coincidences.

Anyways, Billy Mays especially was my favorite out of all of the celebrities mentioned above, with the only possible exception being the younger, black edition of Michael Jackson.

Q: How do you know it’s bedtime at Neverland Ranch?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand…

A little too early?

Probably. It’s just that I know that MJ was totally fantastic and his music to this day still touches me(non-sexually). It’s just that I am in such disbelief that he went above and beyond to destroy his looks, his reputation and his eternal soul. Regardless, he will be missed.

As for the legendary pitchman Billy Mays and his TV-series on the Discovery Channel, “Pitchmen,” I can not express the true feelings of disappointment and sadness brought about due to the sudden ending of his life and career. His rugged beard will be missed, as will his constant use of shouting all the time. *sniff*

Pitchmen is a very good and interesting show for very good reasons. If you get the Discovery Channel and have the chance to watch an episode or two, I suggest you take a peek. Its basically a show about the life of Billy Mays, his family and his partner/friend/fellow pitchman Sully.

OK, to be totally honest in my opinion of the show, I have to say this. Most of the products they see from private inventors, like 95% of them, are completely bogus and utter trash. People seem to want to spend tens of thousands of dollars or more on the worst most half-assed ideas I have ever seen in my life! I don’t even know how that’s possible. I couldn’t spend 10,000 dollars on an invention if my life depended on it. I mean, don’t you think you should really put some thought and planning behind an idea before you decide to go and dump your family’s entire life savings on it?

Evidently not for these people.

As for the few really good ideas I saw, Billy and Sully actually are very good at figuring out what items have selling potential and in what they should do to maximize the advertisement potential. I think they are so good at their jobs becaise they know how to relate to the common man, just looking for a solution to life’s little problems.

Just to name a few of the coolest things I saw over the course of a Pitchmen marathon, there was this crazy-looking circular saw, safe enough for home-use while still having the cutting power to chop a mid-sized sedan in half!!!

The secret to his design was using two circular saw blades instead of one, which spin in opposite directions. This means that even though the saw-teeth are smaller then ones in a traditional circular saw blade, as long as they spin exactly at the same speed they are infinitely safer and are still bad-ass.

Who doesn’t want one of those? The saw was so good that within the first week of the TV-ad coming out, the inventor had already made over 250,000 dollars! With an entire year of advertising, this dude was well on his way to making millions of dollars, settling all the debt he had accrued over years of dumping his savings into this project and most importantly, taking care of his parents. <3

I think that’s what most people really want, even beyond juat making money. Personally, I know thats what I wold do if I ever made, patented and sold one of my own wacky ideas. It’s gotta be genetic or inherent in our morale code for most people to want to look out for their parents. Unless your a murderer and hacked up your parents for hamburgers…

Back to the subject of Pitchmen and Billy Mays, besides all the normal and good inventions, it was also good to see that Billy really cared about some of the “inventors” he worked with. In one episode, Billy worked with this young man who was working on patenting a vacuum-powered cleaner. This cleaner was kinda like Oxyclean in that you put a liquid on stains and smells but is slightly different in that there’s this hand-pump that you use to suck the liquid back out after it’s finished cleaning the material.

When Billy met up with the young man, he decided that instead of just pitching the product himself, he would help him to become a pitchman while setting up appointments for him at some conventions and on television. Finally at the end of the episode, after seeing the guy progress and show a great deal of potential, Billy personally gave him a private check for 5000 dolllars. This was very different then the way he usually deals with potential clients and shows how great Billy Mays really is.

In summary, Billy Mays may have been rich and enjoyed the luxuries of having a successful career but in no way acted like most people in his tax-bracket. He was a strong-willed, loud, sometimes annoying but always kind-hearted man who still remains a hero to the common people of the US…and perhaps the world. He used his success to help other people manufacture, pitch and sell their ideas/inventions, hopefully making their lives better in the long run.

Most people don’t know how hard it really is for inventions and ideas to get recognized, let alone make any money off even the best products available on the market. It takes true brand-recognition, a trustworthy face, a good sales campaign, years of planning, and most of all a great deal of luck to earn even a single dollar off a pair of mopping slippers. Or a circular saw. Or a vertical grill.

Thanks Billy, for everything you’ve done, and for everyone you inspired to go into sales, marketing or inventing. I will forever remember your Quick Chop, OxyClean, Mighty Putty and Shammy commercials. Hopefully wherever you end up, there will be idiots like myself for you to sell crappy products too.

-Mikey, Wong_83@hotmail.com

Rating and Comparing the AFC North. [Offseason Edition]

Just a quick update on how I feel the AFC North is shaping up this year.

As has been most often the case in terms of the past decade, the AFC North is once again most likely a two horse race, what with the Cleveland Browns and the Cinncinnati Bengals having severe deficiencies in one or more categories.

The Pittsburgh Steelers, one of the most revered and ancient of all the current NFL franchises, has won two championships in the past decade. The Baltimore Ravens, one of the youngest expansion teams, has taken home one. For two very different franchises there seem to be a number of striking similarities.

As offseason workouts come to an end and with training camp looming, this is how I see the two elite teams and the other two teams in the AFC North shaping up.

Baltimore Ravens: Predicted Finish 10-6 or 11-5

Key Additions: RG Michael Oher, CB Domonique Foxworth

Key Losses: S Jim Leonhard, CB Chris McAllister, LB Bart Scott, DC Rex Ryan

Key Weaknesses: Wide Receivers

With the departure of defensive coordinator Rex Ryan and Star-LB Bart Scott, the defense is under a ton of pressure this season to continue to perform at a high level this season. Defensive captain and stalwart LB Ray Lewis returns, as does Terrell Suggs, Ed Reed and Terrell Suggs, helping ease the transition.

On offense, the only major weakness on paper seems to be the WR position, with the only consistent option being venerable veteran WR Derrick Mason. QB Joe Flacco and our trio of RBs have looked good in offseason workouts and voluntary sessions so far. First round pick RG Michael Oher was a complete steal at the 23rd pick and has looked very mature in quickly picking up the playbook this offseason.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Predicted Finish 10-6 or 11-5

Key Additions: DT Evander Hood, WR Shaun McDonald, WR Mike Wallace

Key Departures: WR Nate Washington, LB Larry Foote, CB Fernando Bryant, CB Bryant McFadden

Key Weaknesses: Wide Receivers, Offensive Line

Even with the success of winning the NFL championship last season, the Steelers enter this season with needs at the WR, CB and OL positions. Even though Hines Ward has signed a contract extension that will probably keep him in Pittsburgh until retirement, the departure of speedy 3rd WR Nate Washington leaves them without any options other then Ward and Santonio Holmes.

At CB, the retirement of recently re-signed CB Fernando Bryant and the loss of  CB Bryant McFadden leaves question marks at the position. To counter this the Steelers drafted CB Joe Burnett in the 5th round.

The O-line is the largest question mark or weakness on the entire roster. Last season, the Steelers O-line gave up over 40 sacks, an unheard of number for a championship-caliber team. The Steelers re-signed franchise player Max Starks but little else other then to draft OT Kraig Urbik in the 3rd round. If the O-line doesn’t get any better this season, the Steelers will find themselves in a world of trouble.

Cinncinnati Bengals: Predicted Finish 7-9

Key Additions: OT Andre Smith, LB Rey Maualaluga, WR Laveranues Coles

Key Losses: G Stacy Andrews, WR TJ Houshmandzadeh

Key Weaknesses: DL, CB, S, LB

As bad as it may seem in the state of Ohio, there IS hope in Cinncinnati this season. I say that with the utmost conviction, even though it would obviously be detrimental to the Ravens for them to do well.

The offense has quietly become better over the past couple months, mainly due to Star-QB Carson Palmer finally returning from injury.  He has looked good in offseason workouts and his return, in addition to new WR Lavernaues Coles, only bodes well for WR Chad Ochocinco and the rest of the Bengals offense.

As for the entire defensive part of the Bengals roster, it remains to be seen whether they can play better then they did last season. The addition of LB Rey Maualaluga and DE Michael Johnson in this year’s draft is a step in the right direction and should give them at least a semblance of an improved pass rush. Either way, the defense remains the Bengals Achilles heel and will be the primary basis to how the team finishes in ’09.

Cleveland Browns: Predicted Finish 5-11

Key Additions: C Alex Mack, WR Brian Robiskie, WR Mohamed Massaquoi

Key Departures: TE Kellen Winslow Jr, WR Donte Stallworth, CB Roderick Hood

Key Weaknesses: Quarterback, Wide Receiver, Cornerback

It all comes down to question marks for this troubled team. There are so many question marks that I have limited my review to just the largest of them, including the big one at the QB position. Even as we begin to enter training camp, the Browns are still deciding whether QB Derek Anderson or QB Brady Quinn will be the starter this upcoming season.

Other then that, WR and TE appear to be of major concern to new head coach Eric Mangini and the Browns organization. The departure of their most consistent receiving option TE Kellen Winslow Jr. to Tampa and the loss of WRs Joe Jurevicius and Donte Stallworth greatly depleted the team’s depth. The only remaining starting option is drop-prone WR Braylon Edwards. Hopefully the addition of Massaquoi and Robiskie in the draft will help alleviate some concern.

The CB position stands out as one of the weakest parts of the roster, even among an inconsistent defense as a whole. The only impact moves the Browns made in free-agency and the draft to address this was to sign former-Cardinal/Eagle CB Roderick Hood, former-Raven backup-CB Corey Ivy and to draft rookie-CBs Coye Francies and Don Carey in the 6th round. I don’t have a ton of faith that this will really improve the defensive backfield a great deal.

In review the Bengals, the Ravens and the Steelers all have at least a shot of winning the division crown or at worst earning a wild-card berth. Of these three teams, the Ravens and Steelers are head and shoulders above the others in terms of team chemistry, depth and raw unadulterated talents.

The Browns, seemingly as usual, find themselves on the wrong side of the fence in terms of question marks and lack of battle-tested talent. It’s not that they don’t have a chance to surprise some good teams this year, it’s just that it would be surprising to just about anyone if they manage to win 8 games this season.

-Mikey, Wong_83@hotmail.com

The glorious place known only as: Burkina Faso

Setting: Sitting down @ my computer sometime in the late afternoon, checking my World News, Football Statistics and Hotmail.

Everyone knows about Junk mail, also known to some people as Spam. These random and often enticing emails are often from E-hawkers, people trying to sell or convince you to buy a variety of miscellanous things online. Some examples of these products/services are:

1. Penis enlargement/Sexual enhancement pills.

2. Credit and debt advisors and programs.

3. Work from home employment opportunities.

4. Programs that teach you how to apply for free grants/loans from the government.

5. Dozens of Porn sites.

6. Perhaps the worst spam of all, the ones that are considered phishing scams.

Now phishing scams are constantly changing but usually revolve around some key points of interest. They almost always try to get some sort of private information out of you, whether its a credit card number, your home address, your likes and dislikes or even your social security number.

To get you to divulge this sensitive information, these emails are often sent in friendly tones or with a beauracratic sense of urgency, either attempting to appeal to your personal or business side.

These emails also have a tendency of being repeated, either from the exact same email address or from different names from the same basic sender. This makes most of these phishing scams pretty easy to identify; unless your completely new to email.

Ok, now that we’ve gone through a quick review, let’s begin.

So basically while sitting around at the computer the other day, I decide to go through my email and clean out some outdated and junk emails. After going through the couple dozen surveys, friend requests and occasional important email in my inbox, I proceed to click on the junk portion of my emails, which turned out to be around 400 or so messages.

The usual suspects were in there, some phishing scams, a few continued education emails (yeah, I should really look into one of those ), a myriad of different merchants and oh yeah…

ABOUT 30 OR MORE EMAILS FROM A STRANGE AND EXCITING PLACE KNOWN ONLY AS:  BURKINA FASO, AFRICA.

I was dumbfounded. How stupid could I be? All that work in high-school working on world geography and learning different languages and I had never heard of a place called Burkina Faso. Zaire? Sure. South Africa? Egypt?

Yup, Ebola, Sharks, Mummies and Pyramids. No problem.

Well according to these different and often confusing messages from a number of different people that supposedly live near or right in Burkina Faso, these are the only conclusions I could come up with:

1. The Bank of Burkina Faso is perhaps the richest or most illicit bank in the entire world.

2. People are constantly scamming people and using Burkina Faso as a stronghold for their ill-gained rewards.

3. Every single mother, every orphan of a nefarious plan to poison their parents, basically everyone who resides in Burkina Faso has access to millions or billions of dollars they are willing to share with me, for no apparent reason.

4. Burkina Faso MUST be a real place. I just haven’t heard about it. Yet.

5. Burkina Faso IS actually located in Africa. Right where Mongolia touches Zimbabwe (:P).

Now I know it’s a little hard to digest, my dear readers. How is it that none of us have ever heard of this country or place and yet so many people in dire need of western assistance are reaching out to us on the world wide web from there?

Why is it that everyone and their mother (literally), has access to some unfound loophole in the Bank of Burkina Faso’s money laundering program?

Either this is absolutely a real place OR hundreds or thousands of people from around the world have teamed up to scam the online email users of the world with this highly complicated scheme.

If the latter were the case, which I find highly unlikely, what would they be attempting to phish for? What information or monetary gains would they receive in return for tricking us into believing that they really do have 7 million dollars that is just waiting for only me?

I mean it’s really not that bad. I think all I have to do is send them my name, my home address, my sex, my age, my soul and possibly my credit card number(only for security reasons of course) and Ahmed Buijaya will contact me within 3-4 business days to transfer a portion of the money directly into my bank account.

FOR FREE!

That sounds reasonable doesn’t it? I mean really, over the years I probably have received at least 1000 emails from people living or working in Burkina Faso. How could every single one of these people/email addresses be wrong?

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe all of these emails have only been directed to my email address because I am the once and future king.

Of Burkina Faso…

Or maybe I’m just tired and have finally succumb to the nefarious evil plot hatched from the scheming minds of an entire city-state somewhere in the middle of the Zebras, Hyenas and Hippos of the vast Masai grasslands.

“Help me.”

-Mikey, Wong_83@hotmail.com

Meerkat Manor: Are you kidding me? This isn’t PG!

Ok, a lot of you know that I watch a ton of random Discovery/Animal Planet production TV shows.
I’ve watched all of the first season of Whale Wars, African Expedition, Extreme & Deadly, Planet Earth, Deadliest Catch, River Monsters, Top 10, and numerous other random shows to count.

So it wasn’t out of the ordinary for me to flip on Animal Planet this morning, and low and behold, a few episodes of Meerkat Manor were playing.

I was fully expecting this show to be some PG version of a Zoo-show or animal family-type show…Especially given that the show is on Animal Planet! I mean seriously, this show is pretty much all geared towards children and young adults.

Very few of my older friends and/or their parents have ever watched or even heard of Meerkat Manor. The only time they ever even watch these type of series is, you guessed it, when they come over to my house to hang-out or visit.

So anyways, this show is basically centered on a couple different rival factions of Meerkats, basically small rodent-like animals that live out in the middle of the African plains. They are kinda cute, striped and they make these weird noises that their pack can understand to mean either danger, food or following orders.

As the show progressed, it increasingly became apparent that this wasn’t going to be your average animal show. There are a bunch of reasons why I don’t think really young children to see this but I’ll just list a couple that really were kind of stunning.

1. Cannibalism: WTF. I think it really just speaks for itself. Basically the gist of it was that the Whiskers family of Meerkats has a dominant female. Another female was trying to become the dominant female and had a litter of babies.While she was out feeding the day after giving birth to her litter, the current dominant female decided to sneak home while everyone was away and eat all the babies.

The only thing left of the litter, which the mother found while crying out for help for hours, was a single long shredded baby Meerkat paw.

…

2.  Rape: Ok, there is a very large amount of rape that occurs in the rest of the animal kingdom. That’s a give-in. However, how many tv shows do you know, especially geared towards children’s curiosity, that show long clips of lone animals trekking the vast plains in order to sneak up and rape female members of another Meerkat family?

Zero.

I mean really. I could see this on HBO one day.

3. Death in general: Death, Death and more death. Animals being killed, animals being eaten, babies dying, babies being eaten, Infection & disease-related death are just a few of the different things I saw, in HD no less, over the course of just 3 episodes.

I know that death is a natural part of the circle of life, I also know that people in general have been desensitized to death as whole in our society.

Either way, I guarantee that some kid that happens upon this show, complete with a cute theme song and catchy name, will be crying to his parents about why Mozart the female Meerkat just had her babies eaten by a member of her own family.

-Mikey, Wong_83@hotmail.com

Howard County, MD: Animal Police… Above the Law?

I don’t know about you…but personally I have had not a single good dealing with the Howard County animal police.

These completely self-serving bastards are fully content in the knowledge that they can abuse and flaunt there powers-even above the law-to justify their every actions.

I’m here to you today to BEG and PLEAD for some sort of justice; Anything that will bring these mockeries of the american justice-system to light.

Put in a nutshell, I don’t see why my dog and my family have to suffer through the endless hounding and predation these so-called harbringers of “justice” attempt to force upon my household and my beloved puppy.

Yes, I have watched the Animal Cops television-show, even the ones involving cities other than mine, such as Houston, San Francisco, Dallas, Baltimore and even Michigan.

If you have ever seen even one episode of this series, one full episode, you probably came to a similar conclusion to the duties and responsibilites of this “Enforcement-Agency.”

The things I have seen are sometimes so atrocious that certain images have to be blurred or blacked out all together, such as the dead horse(which starved from years of neglect/mal-nutrition) who died while the animal police were standing near it.

The animal was quickly surrounded by the stench of death, the release of it’s suddenly relaxed bowel muscles and a staggering number of horse-flies/green-bottle flies.

I have seen countless other animals who were completely abused, and/or never felt the comfort of human companionship for their entire lives.

Dog-fighting, refusals by the horrid owner(s) to provide even the smallest amount of sympathy and/or medical care for their run-down animals… even to the point where the animals appear to be nothing more than caricatures of their former selves.

In most of these instances, I completely agree and side with the animal police, I mean come-on! These are certainly some of the most drastic cases of animal abuse ever recorded.

Which brings me to shed some light on the majority of supposed ‘Animal-cruelty’.

~

In the past year and a half, the Howard County Animal Cops have shown utter disdain fo the well-being of both the animal-owners and their pets, going so far as to sneak in and check on animals(especially my 2-year old beagle named, “Cha Siu Bao”) over the slightest report that the animal is being abused.

I’m just gonna level with you, my readers and possible supporters who have ties to Howard County, MD or live close enough to care.

My two-year old male beagle lives a very happy life, being fed better than most humans do, has no known ailments -such as: fleas, worms, heart-worms, malnutrition or anything on the sort- and above all else is given weekly loving showers and brushings that IMO make him one of the healthiest Beagle specimens on the face of the planet.

So why is it that the basic job of the Animal Police supposedly is to keep pets from being abused, malnourished and/or abuse from their current owners, yet time and time again, pick on someone such as myself who have a limited income in what I believe is an attempt to seperate my fiance and I from our loved own… Cha Siu is perhaps closer to family than even some of my own flesh and blood.

I’m not that rich. I hold down two jobs and my fiance holds down one full-time job, just to make enough to survive and perhaps add just enough to our savings so that hopefully we will eventually save enough to live at least a comfortable life, years down the road.

In the past year, thanks totally to the unyielding, power-hungry Animal Police, our family has spent well over 10,000 dollars in fines/yard maintenance/labor and income loss due to the time off needed to right our affairs, in terms of appeasing the Animal police.

Not once have I been allowed to go to court to rectify the situation and even if I were allowed to proceed to court in order to deny the allegiations, it would cost me even more to hire a lawyer to condemn these power-hungry mockery of the Justice System.
So basically, the Animal Police stole my beloved Cha Siu Bao the Beagle without a search warrant, grounds for removal or even a legitimate basis for removal.

Their reasoning consisted of this. A single empty lighter-fluid container was found on the entire premises, as well as a small amount of shattered glass, in no way harmful to our beloved animal, was found after extensive searching of the grounds.

Let me remind you that there was absolutely NO search warrant involved, nor were any pictures taken of so-called evidence found on the scene.

I am sick and tired of the Animal Police harassing us at least twice a month, over nothing more than a dubiously placed lighter-fluid container which probably was placed there by someone else.

The minute amount of glass is neither sharp nor in quantites that could in any way possibly harm my most beloved animal.

And here’s the catch…The glass, which neither I nor the previous Animal Police inspector even bothered to document as evidence, is now a significant hazard to the well-being of our healthy-as-an-Ox, beagle puppy.

In this day and age, a HUMAN has the right to a fair trial to contest these allegations. Instead, I or my roomate were cited and fined over 800 dollars, told that we either pay these fines(before court hearings of course) or within 10 days our dog would be put up for adoption.
Is this just? Doesn’t this in every was devalue or basic justice system by giving the Animal Cops immunity from being held responsible for their abusive and harassing actions?!

I want, not just for myself but for all the other owners who have been treated like rubbish, some sort of recourse and justice!!!

If you live in the MD area, please let me know what can be done.

In order to get my dog back, I will have to pay these trumped-up fines without the benefit of consul, or my dog will be given away in adoption way before the court date is set in early July.

I’m BEGGING you guys. Please help me figure out a way to punish these arbitrary dealers of questionable justice… I just don’t seem it’s fair that even with legal consul, I will lose my dog withn the next week…. unless I pay the 800 dollar fine they just decided I needed to pay.
If you have any words of wisdom or advice on what to do next, PLEASE don’t hesitate to respond. I really could use some advice on how to bring these corrupt and self-righteous enforcers of animal law… TO JUSTICE!

Michael,

Wong_83@hotmail.com

Whale Wars might possibly be my new favorite show!

Has anyone else seen Whale Wars yet?

If you haven’t yet, there are a couple of ways you can watch this crazy new show on Animal Planet.

1. You can download the series illegally, like a number of people I know like to do, off a torrent-server, off a number of clip-websites, etc. etc.

2. You can watch it when new episodes come out, I’m not exactly sure when that is but I think it’s Fridays at 9PM EST. It’s kind of an iffy time-slot since I’m sure most of you probably have better things to do on a friday night…

3. You can do what I do and just wait until the new episodes come out on their On-Demand selections. I find that typically, new series episodes come out anywhere from a week to a month after their original airing. Since Animal Planet works hand in hand with the Discovery and National Geographic , they even offer the series in HD!!!

I mean seriously, even if you don’t give a damn about whether or not Whales are killed in the Antarctic Southern Whale Sanctuary, this show at the very minimum offers some of the most breathtaking HD scenery and landscapes in the entire world.

In just a few episodes, you see a number of different creatures, from whales to seals, penguins and even sea turtles. The icebergs and glaciers are amazing in both size and brilliant coloring.

Now the basic premise of this series, from what I can gather, is basically the recently renamed marine ship, the MV Steve Irwin, is basically run by the controversial conservation group, Sea Shepherd.

Some quick reading and scanning through some of the web-content available, including the Sea Shepherd-website, enlightened me to their cause.

To make a long story short, one of the co-founding members of the famous conservation group Greenpeace, was kicked out for being just a little bit dangerous and direct in how he approached his goals.

His name is “Captain” Paul Watson. He’s a Canadian(…), he’s big and chubby and just a few steps away from jumping off the iceberg. He values marine life as much as he values any human life, including his own. Or at least that’s what he claims.

Sea Shepherd’s direct goals include stopping the poaching of whales, the exploitation of seal products by the Canadian government, the exploitation of the Galapagos islands by sharkfin-hunters and a number of other causes that involve the ‘murder’ of marine life.

Now personally I don’t care if animals die. I know that as part of the natural cycle of life, animals will need to die in order for humans to continue to live.

As Anthony Bourdain often says, ‘I could never be a Vegan, I love eating meat too much.’

I think that in all honesty, going Vegan and abhorring all killing of animals is just way too far on the opposite side of the moon.

Now people are going to read this the wrong way and think that I hate ALL animals and cheer everytime one of the bloodthirsty butchers slaughters another creature. This is not true. I just enjoy the taste of meat.

But we’re getting off subject. This series, Whale Wars, is basically a televised on-going documentary about the battles going on near Antarctica between Japanese commercial whalers, who claim they are just killing whales for “research”  and the Sea Shephard vessel MW Steve Irwin.

I turned on the first episode out of curiosity a few days ago. I saw one of their commercials, which have been aired all over a number of different channels, in which a directable harpoon is pointed around a ship’s deck until it finally spots a whale in the distance.

It then proceeds to aim and fire, blasting the harpoon through the air, the sea and finally watching as it punches through the side of the marine mammal. At this point, you don’t see blood and guts, you see one of the letters to the words ‘Whale Wars’.

Pretty good huh? I definitely thought so. It got my attention pretty quickly.

So what is so amazing about this show? It’s exciting, it’s refreshing and it taps into humanity’s basic need for visceral, tangible images. From the very first episode, Watson and his crew tell the world they are basically willing to do WHATEVER to save the whales from the Japanese.

On a related matter, look. I’ll level with you I’m of Asian-American descent. I have traveled to good bit of the asian world. I live in a Chinese household where crazy crazy food like chicken feet and pig intestines, as well as sharkfin soup is normal.

I know and you know that the Japanese ain’t killing these damn whales for any research or development. They were banned from killing whales by the International Whaling Commision in 1986 and since then they started to do research?

Please. You might be able to lie to some of the less educated inhabitants of your tiny little islands but you certainly aren’t going to fool anyone into thinking you need to kill, not collect tissue or blood samples but kill, over ONE THOUSAND whales EVERY year just in the name of science?

I mean come on! This is ridiculous. Somehow, since they aren’t legally allowed to ‘waste’ any of the animal, they get to sell every part of the animal, minus anything they take for their bullshit research, to the fish markets and private vendors.

For anywhere from 250,000 dollars to over a MILLION dollars! EACH!!!

Out of a sense of fairness, before I go more into the Whale War series, let’s take this moment to go over the statistics.

1. Whales allowed for ‘research’ each year: 950 minke whales, 50 fin whales

2. Average value per whale: $250,000 – $1,250,000

3.  Minimum size and weight of adult whales: Minke (23 ft, 11000 lbs)

Fin (60 ft, 150,000 lbs)

4. Estimated minimum value of total catch:  285,000,000 + 45,000,000 = $330,000,000.00 (@ 300k x 950 + 900k x 50)

I don’t know if you’ve ever worked with any tissue or blood samples before but either way, do you really need 950 x 11000 lbs worth of Minke whale-meat and viscera and 50 x 150,000 lbs worth of Fin whale-meat and viscera? That’s over 17 MILLION POUNDS of whale…FOR RESEARCH?!

I have seen articles in the news and Japanese food blogs that all claim that the government and other powerful entities in Japan are all trying to influence the masses into enjoying food made from whale-meat that ranges from “hamburgers” to fried meat on sticks to whale sushi/tataki.

In what way does that show the government is only interested in culling these animals in the name of science and are just selling the “excess” in order to not waste any parts of the animal?

I really don’t know. Maybe people are just plain stupid and/or just don’t care that the Japanese people are once again lying through their teeth while they find their way out through another loophole.

Anyways, let’s get back to the main subject.

So because of this so-called ‘slaughtering of intelligent marine mammals,’ the MV Steve Irwin uses a variety of different tactics throughout the series to bombarb, harass and even board the Japanese vessels.

In the past, he has even used his ‘observer’ boats to CRASH into enemy ships!!! Are you kidding me? That is exciting and amazing to the fullest extent. I mean seriously, who doesn’t like large ships smashing into each other like marine bumper-cars???

Even though they say they don’t condone violence of any sort, I think this is more a plan to gain public sympathy and support then anything else. They fly a pirate flag that happens to show a human skull, a shepherd’s staff and a TRIDENT. I think the trident speaks for itself when dealing with a ‘violent’ approach.

In my personal view ‘Captain’ Paul Watson, the head of the entire Sea Shepherd organization, is crazy, talented and very devoted to his cause. Even if the ends don’t always justify the means, it’s people like him that can change the world. Bless his pirate soul.

So if you haven’t seen the show Whale Wars yet, do so whenever you get the chance. I may like the taste of certain animals but anything that can be done to stop the Japanese from parading the words ‘RESEARCH’ and ‘SCIENCE’ while they kill thousands of whales is good enough for me.

Regardless of your standing on whether it’s cruel or not to kill sentient animals, it certainly isn’t right that the Japanese whalers believe they can do whatever they want, including killing thousands of endangered creatures right in the middle of a MARINE SANCTUARY.

If there was anything I could do to help besides write this blog of support, I would. Well…not anything. But a lot. I might even crash a ship into a poaching vessel to save some seals or whales.

-Michael

Wong_83@hotmail.com

Oh how great it is to have torrents such as Limewire, etc.

11:43PM, currently a lazy day off.

I am currently enjoying watching a series called Monsterquest, originally aired by the History Channel for god only knows what reason.

Either way, I enjoy this show for a number of reasons.

1. This show rules. It’s basically all the same story. Some monsters are reported across the globe, -supposed- experts show up with all this scientific equipment and supposedly find various amounts of questionable evidence. NO monster.

2. Hillbillies, Rednecks and Backwater country folk alike, usually doing their best imitation of a normal, intelligent, non-alcoholic human being testify to how they saw some apparent apparition, typically a sasquatch-like creature, while not being completed shit-face drunk off: a) moonshine, b) rikaloff vodka, c) whatever else they can find that costs under 10 bucks… ie: a 40oz bottle of Hurricane/Wildcat malt liquor.

3. Footprints and hair/feces. This is what they find. Always, always, always. Did I mention feces? It’s deep within the human psyche to laugh whenever feces or something associated with feces is involved. End result?

The feces belongs to a known species, the hair is that of one of the supposed ‘monster’ experts and the footprints can range from being bear tracks, being a hoax or just plain -inconclusive-

Is it just me or should I watch this next episode?

I am shivering with anticipation at what this week’s -ending- will be.

Man vs Wild: Survival or a Total Crock of ()$#!

Let me begin by saying I absolutely love watching both Survivorman AND Man vs Wild, with the edge going to Man vs Wild because the show’s host’s name is Bear Grylls.

Bear Grylls? Awesome name, Awesome english or welsh accent, who doesn’t like a show host with those attributes? There is only one exception to a TV host with a similar accent.

His name is Simon from the hit show, American Idol. What a total douchebag! He has been proven wrong time and time again and what makes it worse-he continues to be the complete snotbag he’s always been.

Back to Bear and Man vs Wild.

If you don’t know the premise of the show, Man vs Wild is supposedly a semi-realistic TV show based on Bear being sent to insane and mostly death-assured, remote places on planet earth.

During these adventures, Bear and usually a single camera-man use natural resources to replicate and show numerous ways that a person, stranded in a variety of wildernesses, could survive and even perhaps reach civilization and therefore be rescued.

During these replications, Bear often has to forage and/or hunt a variety of animals, insects and vegetation, sometimes having to choose whether or not to eat said object(s).

Now I do not have any objection in the least to who or what he chooses to eat. What really got on my nerves happened during Episode 2, Season 9, the Dominican Republic.

In this show, Bear and his camera-man came across a wild fowl, some stinking remnant brought to the Dominican Republic by thoughtless, disease-ridden European explorers.

Bear finds some random heavy stick out of the foliage and proceeds to sneak up on the unsuspecting creature, finally managing to ‘stun’ or ‘crush’ it after multiple attempts.

He proceeds to hand clean the bird, ripping feathers, entrails and what not. His field dressing is just fine and in no way strays from the expected actions of what someone in his situation SHOULD do.

He then does the unthinkable, pulls his field knife out and tears out the breast of the bird, tossing the rest of the carcass to the ground.

I guess some hungry animal would have a very excellent meal.

Are you kidding me?! Why, in a survival situation, would you tear out and cook/eat ONLY the breast, the leanest and least-nutritious portion of the carcass?

The legs, the organ-meat, the brain, any of the fatty portions and even the belly/ribcage meat would have made a much more fundamentally correct meal to eat given the horrid and nearly-impossible survival situation Bear is supposed to be in.

It doesn’t stop at that.

In other episodes he takes a bite of organ-meat, particular a sheep’s heart in Ireland, and then takes only the most delicious part of the corpse to cook later over his -survival- camp-fire, the tenderloin.

I know it’s probably just to make good television, but in my opinion, from the view of someone who has watched and enjoyed just about every show ever made on survival or people attempting to portray the correct way to survive in hostile situations, WHY oh why wouldn’t you just eat the whole bird or eat the whole sheep’s heart.

All I know is this.

If I were in a horrible situation in which I had almost no chance to live, I would have eaten just about every bit of that damn bird/sheep.

At least the bits that wouldn’t make me sick and/or were rotten.

-Kyarnboy, wong_83@hotmail.com

Random retarded thoughts from restaurant.

Honestly, do any of you really like Kabobs. Like “REALLY” like kabobs, not just “meeeeh, they aite.” Look at it this way, a kabob, by definition, is some variety of meat/vegetable or both typically skewered on the end of a long pointy metal or wooden stick. Some mundane Afghan versions of the kabob include: 1. Kofka ‘bab – ground beef mixed with assorted spices. Hurray, that’s out of the ordinary.  2. Chicken ‘bab – zomgz zomgz, chunks of “chicken” on a stick.  Similar to a satay except imo the satay tastes better and is smaller. 3. Lamb ‘bab – I bet you can guess whats on this stick.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t HATE kabobs. They are just generic food. Like you eat them when you have nothing better to eat. It’s also pretty expensive to eat kabobs, for some nasty rice with raisins in it, some salad with questionable sauce on it and kabob, it costs like 9-11 bucks. I can eat MAD food at some other place for 9-11 bucks. Or feed a family of 5 at Mcdonalds.

Now I know that in certain places in the world, the kabob is probably a blessing from the gods, especially when you and your family have been starving for 9 months out of the year, and you sacrificed your only pet goat to feed your family. Can you guess what they call that dish? “Goat ‘bab.” It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that if you put the chunks of meat on a pointy stick you won’t burn your hands as you pull the prehistoric delicacies out of the fire.

Let me cite you a few examples.

Italian food, in the form that we know it, ie. Pasta, Olive oil, Artisan bread and cheeses, has been around for at LEAST 800 years. Probably closer to 1000 years. That is 1000 years that they have used to make any and all of their favorite dishes into culinary masterpieces that are beloved around the world.

Chinese food, NOT in the form that we know it (here in the US), ie. Spectacular sauces and flavor combinations that are easy to make and even easier to eat, has existed for well over 2500 years. I’m not talking about the sauce you get on your General Tso’s Chicken, exactly, but you get the point. Ever go eat dim sum at a chinese restaurant? I’m talking about marinated chicken feet, buns stuffed with curried chicken or roast pork, tender pan-fried radish cakes and so many different dumplings, each with it’s own special sauce.

So let’s recap. Meat and the occasional small chunk of onion or pepper on a stick or……. AMAZING DUMPLINGS WITH THEIR OWN SAUCE.  Which one would I rather eat? Unless your a barbarian with a club wearing some stinkin’ animal rags, your probably gonna pick choice b.

Now, just for the record, right next door to where I work there is a kabob place and we are very good friends with them. They are not bad people, they are very nice. I have nothing but good things to say about them as friends and people. But ANYONE, EVERYONE, little kids, retarded people, monkeys, whoever knows how to make a kabob. They just don’t call it a kabob, they call it what it is, meat on a long stick. It’s not so much a cuisine as a tool so you do not hurt your fingers in the fire that you use to cook. I think every race and culture has made something like that, close to when we used to have fur and could not speak.  The only difference is that with time, over thousands of years, they seem to be the only race that takes pride in not evolving.

I am sorry my friends, if you are reading this, I <3 you. No hard feelings, maybe you should think up new ways to cook.